Pain and disappointment cause grief in your marriage. Marriage counseling Rochester Hills can help you do things differently. Unfortunately, the average couple waits six years after the problems start to begin counseling. By this time, due to how a couple deals with conflict, a lot of damage has often been done to both partner's sense of feeling loved and respected.
Debbra Bronstad, LMFT, Grief Recovery Coach MI #4101006638
This tune can start sounding like the Rightous Brothers' "You've Lost
That Lovin' Feeling"
....now it's gone, gone, gone.
When we are
disappointed, we often criticize, rather than ask for what we want.
can start focusing on our partner's flaws and mistakes and forget
how when we were falling in love, all we thought about were his or her
positive qualities. While dating, it was easy to overlook undesirable
characteristics, but now they drive us crazy in day-to-day life.
When conflict keeps showing up and is handled poorly, this can lead to what marriage researchers call "negative sentiment override" where the overall feelings partners have about each other is negative.
Marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, in over 40 years of studying couples, learned to predict with over 90% accuracy which couples will divorce after watching how they dealt with conflict. He found predictable patterns of communication that undermined positive, loving feelings in marriage.
The goal of Gottman Marriage Counseling is to:
change the negative patterns of interacting
remove barriers that create a feeling of stuckness in conflict situations
4 Relationship Killers
In decades of research John Gottman identified specific relationship killers that led to perpetual cycles of arguments and conflict. These relationship killers include:
Contempt (including eye rolls, heavy sighs when the partner speaks)
couples need help to learn how to eliminate these from their conflict
discussions. In our society people are required to get more training to
get a drivers license than a marriage license. So when it comes to
conflict, most people have only the example of their parents for how to
manage conflict...and that wasn't always the best example.
One of the most important tools for a healthy relationship is the ability to make repairs when something goes wrong. Many couples start out their lives together without knowing how to make effective repairs. Beginning with inevitible conflict of different needs or personalities, the unhealed wounds of misunderstandings and selfishness go unchecked leading to resentment, distrust and overall dissatisfaction in the relationship. I teach partners the skills to make repairs to their relationship when conflict goes awry. Past episodes from many years ago can be resolvedso that you both feel heard, validated and soothed about those painful places.
Some arguments are about conflicting needs. No matter what happens, one person will not get their way. Learning to validate your parter's emotions when there is hurt or disappointment goes a long way to nurturing a healthy relationship.
To help couples learn the tools to improve their relationships I am currently offering marriage counseling through my 90-Day Marriage Rescue Package.
Have you had a rough patch? Maybe neither of you know how to talk about painful events in
your life or relationship without hurting each other, so now you just avoid the subject. Things
the death of a family member
the loss of a child through miscarriage, abortion, tragic accident or illness
disappointed hopes or dreams
a move away from family and friends
chronic illness or disability
Life transitions can also create stress and conflict when
partners make assumptions about the other's needs or desires. These
natural changes in the life cycle can bring changes to one's desires,
hopes, needs and dreams for the future. Assumptions that one or both of you had at
one stage of life may become different as you mature. Difficult times of adjustment can
adjusting to married life after being single
children becoming teens
changes in income
a spouse entering or leaving the workforce
Many licensed professional therapists work with couples, but not all have specific training for what makes relationships work. As a therapist, I have received advanced training for working with couples for marriage counseling Rochester Hills, to help them communicate better around conflict issues. I use Gottman Method Couples Therapy to assess and treat couples who want to improve the quality of their relationship. You can learn more about me and my background and training here.